Bügen Akduman

I am not my Feeling(s) ...

2011-06-10T15:27:00.004+03:00

I have been practicing the idea “I am not my feelings”…. Well it does make sense I am not “anger” or “ happiness” or “sorrow” or “excitement"…. I am a Being, living day by day … But the truth is, it is not as easy as writing it down. Most of the time “I am angry” “I am sad” ….

When we say out loud the way we feel, we don’t realize that we are actually personalizing that feeling as ourselves.

Today for more than a thousandth time I came face to face with the very real fact that I’m living a life that my parents thought is best for me – and as can be expected I’m not the happiest most of the time. Every time I realize this truth, I try to make myself believe that I’m right by being “angry” and since I'm angry someone else should be responsible for it. But what I would like to do is just to sit, look at that anger – where it’s coming from – and just to solve whatever is making me have this temporary feeling … well, who knows maybe I will be able to do it someday, but for now I’m still working at a job that I have never enjoyed for the past 7 years …

Just like the feelings, we are not our jobs, we are not the people we have in our lives, we are not the accomplishments we achieve in life …. These are just thoughts or beings or energies that we call towards ourselves. Well then I don’t think I should be calling anger or the shame that comes right after it :) are we aware of what we are calling for ourselves? We always call for the best things for the people we care about – but what about me ?

During this questioning of my true feelings and trying to realize that they are just never-lasting feelings, my best teacher is my puppy BIDIK :) he is a Yorkshire terrier who was born on the 1^st of may :) It’s been exactly one week since M and I picked him up and since then we have been doing our outmost best to make him happy… but see the thing is, Bidik is always happy!!!! Even when he’s hungry, he feels hunger but he is still playful and happy!!! Even when he’s taking a car ride with us, he feels fear but he’s still very happy :) He is amazing.

I know that 29 going on 30 is an old age to enjoy the everlasting Love of Bidik but I think we are very lucky to have him :) Just hope he learns everything he needs to learn from us, just like I’m learning so much, from him just Being Here Now :)

our choices...

2011-04-15T12:02:00.000+03:00

I just realized that I haven't been writing to my blog for almost a year:) Sorry, but i've been busy reading, following and posting on twitter. Also I run a yoga studio now - yogaEvi. The website is in turkish, just like our classes, since we live in ankara, Turkey !! Well still you can e-mail me about the english hatha, yin or prenatal yoga courses :)

I have been following many yoga studios' twitters and today I came across with this :

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

Well it made me think ... Do we really know, what we are choosing? Or even deeper : does it really matter? As long as we don't stay put, as M says : "even the worst decision, is better than no decision" :)

Then I also came up with this, let me know what you think ;)

do you make wishes ?

2010-04-22T09:28:00.002+03:00

do you make wishes?
I like to get up very early in the morning, when air is still and silent, and magic is all around... Then I make a wish... A bright wish, from my heart, for the Good...
This morning, I was awaken by a wonderful soul - our Greatuncle, he was very much alive and shining.... Just like whenever we honor him by talking about him, he managed to calm us down, with a little smile on his bright face ... I asked him, if it was a dream, and he let me hug him.... He was there, soothing us, smiling to say "everything's going to be fine" .. I woke up relaxed and sure of all the "good" that's on it's way. Then I made a wish ... A wish, for health... A wish for joy... A wish for light and brightness in our lives ...
I just heard - read about - the good news.... I do believe, everything's going to be fine ... I don't know if Uncle Ozdemir was here to bring the news or ... He certainly is very peaceful and he is here, with us...
People we care about, doesn't matter if they're relatives or friends or just people in our lives are so very important. And I believe, when we care about someone, we tend to create good intentions for them. Just like "Making a Wish"... I like to say it out loud : I love Ebru... I love Banu... I love Yengem !!! "Love" has such an amazing power that I feel like as long a I think about the people I love, I'm creating this white-bright protection ball around them ... I know it's very cartoon-like... but honestly that's how I feel...
Maybe, that's how we need to feel. Maybe every morning we need to start the day thinking of the people we care about and make a wish for them, for their good... Imagine all the bright, shining intentions we'd be sending to the universe... and all for the people love !!!

Today, I wish for health.... I wish for joy ... I wish for all the best, for everyone in my life !!!! Best for every great soul, who's touched my life in one wonderful way or another... Today and everyday.... I'm making wishes and believeing in them ...

Let's all make a wish, a bright wish form our hearts...
A magical wish for the best, for everyone we love ...

Begin with a Wish..... Begin from Heart ...

"with a gentle smile"

2010-04-01T17:04:00.008+03:00

Everytime I witness, it amazes me.... How the universe works, always in my favor:) Just like always having green lights along the way...

Whenever I talk about "Breath and Breathing" I remember what I've learned from my yoga instructor and say:
"When you're feeling an extreme emotion - fear, anger etc.- take a look at your stomach. You'll realize that your stomach is most likely very tight, so are all your organs, and your breath is short and fast! You're probably very slowly killing yourself :) Next time, try to relax your stomach and take deep breaths.Your body will relax and be filled with Life - with long and slow breaths. You'll find yourself calming down, and peaceful."
I try to share this with everyone I know because I believe, this is a very useful technique for peace in our daily stressful lives.
But now, I finally understood what the universe has been telling me and just found out a more effective and easier way, although it's been in our lives forever!! A technique that most of the time we forget. A technique that makes us happy and spreads our happiness instantly!

A Gentle Smile :)

My amazing mother's name is "Esin", it's a turkish name that means "Inspiration". The truths is, that's what she's for me, my greatest inspiration. She's the reason, I'm who I'm today:) Of course, she wasn't always the angel that she's today, when we were growing up:) Just a little pushy she was, for the best in us. There was one thing in particular that she was obsessed with - A Smile ! She would literally push us to Smile:) "When you smile" she still says, "the whole world smiles back".

That's how I grew up - Smiling:)
When I was 17, and they were sending me on an exchange, this time the Rotarians were obsessed with one thing - Always Smile !! "When you smile" they would say, " everyone smiles back"

So I Smile:)
Last year, when I was in India, there was one thing our yoga instructor would repeat continously - "with a gentle Smile!" Even when we were in an agonizing posture, she would say "get into this asana, inhaleeee, With a Gentle Smile !!! "(in the most wonderful Indian accent of course:))

Now, even in our yoga classes, I try to smile:)
Couple sessions ago, my wonderful instructor Deniz, introduced us to "Power Yoga" (without warning :)). She was trying to get our minds to get used to staying in an asana for many many breaths. She would say, "try Smiling". Well, as soon as I smiled, my mind relaxed and I realized, it's so silly to push, reject and complain when we're in a wonderful asana:) As my mind relaxed, so did my body and I was ready for more :)

As I said, the way the universe works, amazes me each time I'm smart enough to realize... I've been Smiling my whole life :) Now I know, when I Smile, my whole body Smiles ...

Let's Smile !!! Always start the day With A Gentle Smile, for the universe is more than ready to Smile back :)

Begin with Yoga, Begin with a Smile :)

Be Happy... Be Peaceful... Be Liberated...

2010-02-11T14:27:00.002+02:00

" I pardon all those, who might have hurt or harmed me
Knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally
By their deeds of body, speech or mind.

I seek pardon from all those, whom i might have hurt or harmed
Knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally
By my deeds of body, speech or mind.

All are my friends, none is my enemy
All are my friends, none is my enemy
May all share my merits, my peace, my harmony, my dhamma

May all be happy, be peaceful, be liberated.

May all beings be happy
May all beings be peaceful
May all beings be liberated, liberated, liberated

May I be free
Free from all the anger, hatred, illwill, animosity
May I generate Love and goodwill , peace and harmony
May I generate Love and goodwill , peace and harmony

May all beings share my peace, share my harmony, share my merits
Share my dhamma, dhamma, dhamma

May all beings be happy, be peaceful
Be liberated, liberated, liberated "

S. N. GOENKA

BE HAPPY, BE PEACEFUL, BE LIBERATED

Enmeshment and Ahimsa...

2009-12-27T18:19:00.002+02:00

I've been practicing yoga for 6 years now. Of course I care a lot about my asanas, the anatomically non-harming correctness of my postures, how comfortable I am in an asana and mainly the prana vitalizing my body. And also, I have been caring a lot about the first two steps of Astanga Yoga - Yamas and Niyamas, for the past two years now. I always believe that yoga is not just doing a posture perfectly:) That's why, it's very important for me to have yoga as a lifestyle, in my life, with all the Patanjali's eight limbs of yoga.

I still have a hard time figuring out why, but I've had the hardest time with Ahimsa / Non-harming. I have no problem with avoiding harming others-physically or by thought. I was never the kind of a person to think ill of someone else, to even to harm them physically or emotionally. What is very hard for me is to, stop harming myself :) I'd rather hurt myself, than to hurt someone else - physically or emotionally... Well, i know this sounds very sick but most of the time, before I had yoga in my life, I found myself literally depressing myself or making myself upset, just to avoid someone (most probably someone i love) else's pain.
From the moment, my instructor told me about Ahimsa, I knew I would have to work on it:) Well, it sure has been and still is a wonderful challenge to apply Ahimsa in my life. It is very easy to realize that you are thinking about or doing hurtful (physical or in thought) things for someone else. Let's assume, you witnessed someone else, talking ill about you and/or physically abusing you. You suddenly get angry, because you know that this is wrong, and you are raised in such a way that, this can be corrected by either physically hurting that person, or wishing-thinking, really hard that, that person would get hurt the same way you are hurting. This is a very common example that we live through very often in our lives. That's why, this or similar ways of harming others can be very easily realized, once we begin listening to and being aware of our own selves. Once you realize, suddenly you remember of Ahimsa and that's when you let go of all your feelings and desire to harm another being :) But what about, you harming yourself?Do we know when we are harming ourselves? Unfortunately, most of the time, we don't realize that we are....

Ahimsa, meaning non-harming, does not apply only to our actions onto the others. It also means non-harming the self. Did you ever loose your sleep because a friend of your hasn't called you? Do you bite your nails when your be-loved ones are hurting and you can't help them? Do you ever over-do your asanas and hurt yourself, just to be better? (Better at what?? that's another blog's topic:)) Do you ever over-drink after an ended relationship? Do you ever over-stress yourself just to be five minutes early? Do you ever over-eat just to make your grand-mother happy? (well, I have a Mediterranean family:)) Do you ever upset yourself because of the sadness of your friend-that you can not help? ..... The list goes on and on, I'm sure you can find many examples of situations in your life, where you are harming yourself, in action or in thought. For me in addition to all these, the worst is when I make myself angry, upset and stressed, because I couldn't say NO to someone I love:) But how could I? I feel like I have to say yes, to make them happy, but as soon as I say yes, I regret it and most of the time hate myself. This is a very disturbing dilemma for me. It's not a problem to serve someone as a selfless deed, or to help someone up to an extend. On the other hand, whenever I feel like I'm forced to do a certain thing or to think in a certain way, when I don't say NO, I feel as if I'm out of my balance and feel much discomfort that, it becomes a harmful deed for myself.

I'm reading "Teaching Yoga" by Donna Farhi - brilliant book, and I came across her description of this dilemma in such good words that I think it's better for me to quote her.

"Enmeshment, is described as 'an inappropriate merging of identities' by Phillip Moffitt. In enmeshment we may find ourselves taking responsibility for things that we neither agreed to do nor on reflection want to do. Or we agree to do something but we feel mentally or emotionally in conflict with our agreement. There are reasons why we may find it difficult to extricate ourselves from a relationship mired in enmeshment. First, while we may recognize that we're uncomfortable, we may not be able to put our finger on the source of that discomfort. Second, we may be unable to accept that we are uncomfortable, resentful, or even angry in response to the enmeshment. Finally, in the case of those of us on a spiritual path, we may wrongly assume that we should feel different, that if we were more generous, more gracious, or more "spiritual", then we should be ok with the circumstance. We may wrestle with our inability to accept our own feelings, and this may deter us from taking any action. When we are able to accept our feelings in an unqualified way, we can take appropriate action to reassert healthy boundaries." (Teaching Yoga, Donna Farhi, pg43)

I always believe that once we welcome Yoga into our lives, it's a wonderful journey for life:) For me, practicing every aspect - for now the first four of the Patanjali's eight limbs - of Yoga, has been and still is very refreshing in the sense that, with each day I listen to and learn about myself, physical body, emotions, and thoughts....
All through our lives, whether with or without Yoga, that's what we all do. We, try to experience life. And that's why I think Ahimsa is very important. We should be non-harming to both others and our own selves, in order to fully experience our wonderful lives. May be we should ask ourselves, can this be a cause for any harm to others or myself? As soon as we ask this question, we will be aware of our doing more, and realize the gains/harms of it in better, wider ways.

A new year is coming ... Make a wish for yourself, your beloved ones and for the goodness of the whole world.... And try to apply Ahimsa in your life, you'll see, your life getting brighter and brighter, as your heart will be glowing :)
Begin the new year with a wonderful wish....

Begin with Yoga.....

Christmas...

2009-12-25T17:22:00.003+02:00

I'm not a christian... Well I don't really like to be put into any category regarding something so sensitive as our beliefs:) Anyways, I wasn't raised christian, but I had the wonderful chance of living with 4 canadian and 1 south african families, which i like to call as "my families". I had my canadian families when I was an exchange student at the age of 17 and as you can guess, Christmas in Princeton, BC was a highlight in my year abroad:)

I'm not sure if it was the songs or the presents or even the feeling of the spirit of Santa Claus, but I lived and believed in Christmas and all it's magic. Now, it's been 10 years since I've lived the magic of Christmas. Although now I live in a country where most people are Muslims; every year, I still like to listen to christmas songs, have vegeterian christmas food, decorate our christmas tree and hope for Santa to come:)

This year feels different... This year, christmas feels brighter than ever. That's why, every morning during this last month of 2009, I felt like making a wish for the well-being of my be-loved ones and the whole world:)

I wish for light from darkness,
I wish for truth from deceit,
I wish for life from unreasoned killings,
I wish for kindness from distant beings....

And I wish for all the Loveand Magic for our wonderful world....
Make a wish, in the bright new morning, a wish for all the beings, and imagine it becoming real :)
Merry christmas everyone, and happy happy new year:)

2009-12-24T09:24:00.001+02:00

The Other Person is Really Me !!!

2009-12-01T16:31:00.003+02:00

Couple days ago, I was reading an article about Kundalini yoga and I came across the saying "Recognize that the other person is you" from Yogi Bhajan. Then I remembered what we talked about with my dear friend Simone, couple months ago in India. On february 2009, during our yoga instructor's course in Bangalore India, I was having a hard time agreeing with and liking a guy in our class, well with everything he did or say, he got to my nerves. Simone found it interesting and asked me questions like "what exactly don't you like about him, how do you exactly feel when he talks to you? " and so on... As I began to answer the questions, she said " do you realize, the things you don't like about him, are the exact things you also don't like about yourself !!! " Well this got me thinking :)
When we look at the people in our lives, the people we love, people we call our "friends", people we work with, people we can't seem to get along, they all have one or two characteristics that we share. People we care about and want to be with, have the characteristics we have and love about ourselves. People we can't stand, usually do or have the exact same thing that we don't like about ourselves. Look around you, and try to put into exact words what you like and don't like about them. You will realize, what you are trying to explain is YOU.
Simone says, we collect the people we need, in our lives. We need to meet with and recognize ourselves. We see our good characteristics in the people we love, and we see and repel our own unpleasant characteristics in the people we can't get along.
It is very important to realize this because as soon as we realize, we can't not like anyone. Everyone becomes our mirror, one angle or another. And once we realize this we start cherishing each and every person in our life.
Whenever, I realize something about my self that is so simple and also so complicated, I can't help to have a Gentle Smile, on my face :)

Always remember, the other person is You.
know yourself, be free, live long and Begin with Yoga

Mutlu Bayramlarr !!!

2009-11-24T16:13:00.002+02:00

" Begin With Yoga "

2009-11-13T11:35:00.001+02:00

Why "Begin With Yoga"?
I do believe that we live in a world we are not aware of ... It is always a wonderful experience, the moment you realize that you haven't been aware, and in one second here it is and you meet it for the first time :) even to realize something as natural as Breathing.
For me this realization Began With Yoga. That's why I believe, in order to experience the wonderful lives of ours fully, as well as being aware of every experience, we need to Begin With Yoga :)
My journey which I like to call "my adventure" has began 6 years ago, when i met my wonderful yoga instructor Serpil Ozturk. I have been suffering from allergic asthma. Within couple months, even with one session a week, my attacks have stopped :) I was able to take in much more breath than I used to, as my posture became straighter and my lung capacity began to enlarge :) Even though, I could feel all the change in my physical body, every asana session I was amazed to meet my Body, which obviously, I wasn't aware that I had. I was observing and getting to know my body with every organ, bone, muscle etc. and the more I learned, the more I got healthier....
As time passed and my instructor introduced me to Reiki, I realzied that I can Feel - truely:) I began watching my feelings, and my body's reaction towards my feelings. It's very interesting to see that when we get angry, we most likely tighten our stomach. As soon as you realize that you're tightening any muscle as a result of an emotion, try to relax it, believe me it will be as if you don't have the weight of that emotion, instead although your emotions are there and you're letting them be by watching them, you avoid having stomach problems :)
Experiences like these are very exciting, especially because they happen in you, in your body and you can live them first hand. That's why I like to call my journey - my adventure.
Now, I am still trying to get to know myself, my physical body and my emotions. And from time to time, as I listen to my body, I invite my mind to silence, to rest. So I watch, I witness what all is happening....
It is very special for me and I believe it is also very important that all human beings experience life fully. Because that's why we are living, to experience. And that is the reason for me to say "Begin With Yoga "