I still have a hard time figuring out why, but I've had the hardest time with Ahimsa / Non-harming. I have no problem with avoiding harming others-physically or by thought. I was never the kind of a person to think ill of someone else, to even to harm them physically or emotionally. What is very hard for me is to, stop harming myself :) I'd rather hurt myself, than to hurt someone else - physically or emotionally... Well, i know this sounds very sick but most of the time, before I had yoga in my life, I found myself literally depressing myself or making myself upset, just to avoid someone (most probably someone i love) else's pain.
From the moment, my instructor told me about Ahimsa, I knew I would have to work on it:) Well, it sure has been and still is a wonderful challenge to apply Ahimsa in my life. It is very easy to realize that you are thinking about or doing hurtful (physical or in thought) things for someone else. Let's assume, you witnessed someone else, talking ill about you and/or physically abusing you. You suddenly get angry, because you know that this is wrong, and you are raised in such a way that, this can be corrected by either physically hurting that person, or wishing-thinking, really hard that, that person would get hurt the same way you are hurting. This is a very common example that we live through very often in our lives. That's why, this or similar ways of harming others can be very easily realized, once we begin listening to and being aware of our own selves. Once you realize, suddenly you remember of Ahimsa and that's when you let go of all your feelings and desire to harm another being :) But what about, you harming yourself?Do we know when we are harming ourselves? Unfortunately, most of the time, we don't realize that we are....
Ahimsa, meaning non-harming, does not apply only to our actions onto the others. It also means non-harming the self. Did you ever loose your sleep because a friend of your hasn't called you? Do you bite your nails when your be-loved ones are hurting and you can't help them? Do you ever over-do your asanas and hurt yourself, just to be better? (Better at what?? that's another blog's topic:)) Do you ever over-drink after an ended relationship? Do you ever over-stress yourself just to be five minutes early? Do you ever over-eat just to make your grand-mother happy? (well, I have a Mediterranean family:)) Do you ever upset yourself because of the sadness of your friend-that you can not help? ..... The list goes on and on, I'm sure you can find many examples of situations in your life, where you are harming yourself, in action or in thought. For me in addition to all these, the worst is when I make myself angry, upset and stressed, because I couldn't say NO to someone I love:) But how could I? I feel like I have to say yes, to make them happy, but as soon as I say yes, I regret it and most of the time hate myself. This is a very disturbing dilemma for me. It's not a problem to serve someone as a selfless deed, or to help someone up to an extend. On the other hand, whenever I feel like I'm forced to do a certain thing or to think in a certain way, when I don't say NO, I feel as if I'm out of my balance and feel much discomfort that, it becomes a harmful deed for myself.
I'm reading "Teaching Yoga" by Donna Farhi - brilliant book, and I came across her description of this dilemma in such good words that I think it's better for me to quote her.
"Enmeshment, is described as 'an inappropriate merging of identities' by Phillip Moffitt. In enmeshment we may find ourselves taking responsibility for things that we neither agreed to do nor on reflection want to do. Or we agree to do something but we feel mentally or emotionally in conflict with our agreement. There are reasons why we may find it difficult to extricate ourselves from a relationship mired in enmeshment. First, while we may recognize that we're uncomfortable, we may not be able to put our finger on the source of that discomfort. Second, we may be unable to accept that we are uncomfortable, resentful, or even angry in response to the enmeshment. Finally, in the case of those of us on a spiritual path, we may wrongly assume that we should feel different, that if we were more generous, more gracious, or more "spiritual", then we should be ok with the circumstance. We may wrestle with our inability to accept our own feelings, and this may deter us from taking any action. When we are able to accept our feelings in an unqualified way, we can take appropriate action to reassert healthy boundaries." (Teaching Yoga, Donna Farhi, pg43)
I always believe that once we welcome Yoga into our lives, it's a wonderful journey for life:) For me, practicing every aspect - for now the first four of the Patanjali's eight limbs - of Yoga, has been and still is very refreshing in the sense that, with each day I listen to and learn about myself, physical body, emotions, and thoughts....
All through our lives, whether with or without Yoga, that's what we all do. We, try to experience life. And that's why I think Ahimsa is very important. We should be non-harming to both others and our own selves, in order to fully experience our wonderful lives. May be we should ask ourselves, can this be a cause for any harm to others or myself? As soon as we ask this question, we will be aware of our doing more, and realize the gains/harms of it in better, wider ways.
A new year is coming ... Make a wish for yourself, your beloved ones and for the goodness of the whole world.... And try to apply Ahimsa in your life, you'll see, your life getting brighter and brighter, as your heart will be glowing :)
Begin the new year with a wonderful wish....
Begin with Yoga.....
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